Blighty Almighty

Thelma | Published on January 31, 2012 at 9:51 am

Darling Ma-hinder

I must write to you about that fellow Karuna dear. Yes I do mean the fellow who snuffed out 600 kossas once upon a time and then there you were scooping him up from under the rubble and just like all grim Once upon a Time tales he ended up as an angel in your closet.

Heavens to Betsy darling, the chap just cannot keep himself from popping up in the fashion pages of the tabloids in the arms of a bawdy wench of Dutch or Portuguese origin. Perhaps she is an agent provocateur sent by the ghosts of policemen past to entice the moustachiod poop into something, but Thellie doubts it.

In fact his Resumé had just the right smattering of blood and gore to make him a perfect choice to join your claque. Just the perfect amount of oh, I don’t know what..…je ne sais quoi to slip right in.

Be that as it may, there I was in a moment of grim jocularity picking up the local rag to read about your latest quest when out of nowhere jumped at me the news that a Paradisian visa applicant was arrested for using deception and counterfeit documents to apply for a visa to ole Blighty. Let me first get this off my heaving breast darling. Begorra and Begob as father Mccullister said to his first born Patrick after a night out at the Green Lantern Tavern. Begorra and Begob, my dear, did the red-coated blighters show valid visas when hopping onto our shores in 1796 or whatsit? I can bet your bottom dollar, no. No visas, no passports..nothing. Niente. Zilch. Just a machete in one hand and yes…dare I say it…the Magna Carta in the other, Hey Ho!

And now all this hullaballoo just because a merest tiny visa applicant from the former colony has submitted a passport with a counterfeit Paradisian arrival stamp to conceal the duration of his visit to thy Kingdom gone. And right there in the thick of the article is a quote by Pishtosh Hogwash and Pimple Associates PLC that “the ole Blighty Border Agency staff at the Blighted Mission in Paradise are trained to detect false immigration stamps and visas. Falsifying and altering official stamps is a serious offence and the said Blighty Border Agency is working with the CID yes the bally CID and wait for it…….yes….. Paradisian Department of Immigration and Emigration to prevent attempts to illegally breach the Blighted border and to identify the agents who supply these stamps.”

“The Blighted Border Agency,” the quote goes on to say rather stiffly, “will not tolerate abuse of the Blighty’s Immigration Rules and where we see abuse, we will take action against those who abuse it.” And the consequent punishment administered with the customary stiff upper lip and a wiggle of a red index finger protruding from a ham like hand…No traveling to Blighty for ten years.

Hah! Is what I say to the spokesperson of the Blighted one.

Hah! Bah! And for good measure Pshaw!

Why you ask is Thellie being so harsh. And here’s why. It is possibly because hypocrisy is not more charming merely because it is carried out with a bally British accent.

Which brings me to my starting point. Let’s take this chappie wallowing in the milk of your human kindness darling. In a word, Karuna. You may like to call him Murali but not I. I’m not splitting Hairs but the only Murali I want to acknowledge is a chap vastly superior to this bally poop of the nincom variety. Thellie’s hero was battling it out on the playing field for Paradise while the other was gaffing policemen on the well…you see the ghastly position I’m in? Ergo I shall call it like I see it, so Karuna it is. I shall go further and say Tiger renegade Karuna.

I mean to say darling you and I move in very different circles. If on a rare occasion we did break bread you would be reaching for the Vin de Table from California or well..Hinguranketha while I would be cradling a Bourgogne Coulanges la Vineuse from Burgundy classified as an Apellatian d’orgine contrôlée. Clearly a gap in taste – which explains your love of all things Karuna – a man in my opinion who couldn’t charm the skin off a rice pudding.

Recall that little incident dearie when you smuggled the Tiger renegade to ole Blighty on a forged diplomatic passport. An investigation in late 2007 by a little rag called The Morning Leader now to be seen nowhere on the newsstands – and I think you know why – even revealed that the forged diplomatic passport was issued by the Immigration Department (yes the very one the Blighted chaps are diligently working with) on the orders of higher authorities in the name of Kokila Gunawardena on August 30, 2007.

Let me remind you and the Blighty Border Watchumacallit now making these statements of unbridled grandiosity to the local rags, that Karuna was issued a valid British visa in the name of Kokila Gunawardena by the Blighted Mission in Colombo on 5 September 2007 on a recommendation by none other than the Paradisian Department of all things foreign.

In fact Thellie can tell you on the best authority that your bally foreign whatsit had even thought it fit to send a Third Party Note to the Blighted Mission – who are so very vigilant no doubt on top of being diligent – together with a stack of other passports recommending visas for a group of persons to attend a climate change conference in Britain and included in the set of passports was a diplomatic passport in the name of Kokila Gunawardena aka Tiger aka Karuna.

And of all things this Kokila was presented as an official of a department coming under the Environment Ministering Angel at the time – Yes you know the fellow the religious chump-picker himself.

Has Kokila aka Karuna been denied a visa to Blighty for a decade too one is entitled to wonder? Has he not been able to hop on Mihin and chew down on a hot dog served to him by a sareed Shirani or Kumari or whatever it is they are calling air hostesses these days? Has he been denied the ability to wipe his snout after a satisfying swill of toddy, step out on to the Heathrow Tarmac of a Christmas morning and sing Come All Ye Faithful with his dearly beloved and then high tail it to Kensington? Do tell darling. Thellie is dying to know.

Equality is a wonderful thing…but that Magna Carta I talked about darling and everything else that followed it… I know where they can put them all

Ask Eliza Doolittle, what!

Ta ra for now

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Blighty Almighty

Darling Ma-hinder I must write to you about that fellow Karuna dear. Yes I do mean the fellow who snuffed out 600 kossas once upon a ...